I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
