She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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