I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
