I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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