Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
