you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
