when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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