that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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