She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
high people should be assigned attendants
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
