She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
