All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
