I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize