hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
