New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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