you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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