By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
