i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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