My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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