And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
