the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
