No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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