my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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