I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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