I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
