The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
