i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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