Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
