I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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