True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
