I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
