Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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