i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
