I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize