He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
