1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
