And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
