she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
