I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
