I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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