my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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