If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
