I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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