We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
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