I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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