The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
