If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize