I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
