i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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