Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize