Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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