my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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