Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
