Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
