Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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