why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
