when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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