I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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